Living Life

Living Life

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” Henry David Thoreau from Walden

I began living life with a purpose about eight years ago. Prior to this it was as though I was just floating through this world and waiting for the next. You see I was not living life to the fullest instead I was just barely living. I think it had been this way for a long time. There was a time when I really had a purpose in life but I was almost too young to remember.

Today I am living a full life. This was not always the case. As far back as I can remember I was a shy, submissive loner. My father used to tell me that I was like an ostrich and that I should go bury my head in the sand. My father was right. I wanted to be like the others kids and my siblings. They were always playing together and enjoying each other’s company. I liked the fact that I could be equally content by myself. I enjoyed going out into the woods alone and reading. I valued this time to myself. Eventfully, the pressure to conform became too strong. I started to doubt my solitary childhood life. Like Thoreau I did not want to die without feeling like I had lived. The only way I felt that I could accomplish this was to crawl out from under my introverted rock and walk into the sunlight of socialization. This was actually the beginning of a long lonely journey back to where I started.

As I grew both in age and in the communal sense, I began to struggle more and more. In high school I traded in reading and writing, because that was the trademark of a loner, for senseless non educational vices. I picked up smoking because being a smoker made me a part of a group. I hung out with the drug users and bullies, mostly to avoid being one of their victims, and felt that I was living pretty well. My father would tell me that I would never amount to anything especially if I chose not to have tons of friends. On the inside I was more lonely and longed for my little solitary forest called “Me.” I knew that I needed to suppress that feeling. I told myself to hang in there that this whole social life thing would get better.

After high school, I joined a variety of volunteer organizations in order to find my place in the world of groups. I tried college but failed miserably. This was large in part to two things. First was my low confidence (this goes back to my father’s continuous negative comments). Second I was still more worried about trying to fit in. I worked full time and got married young. I married because I falsely believed that being single and alone was the worst thing in the world. Needless to say, a marriage like that could never work, and I found myself alone again. This time though, I was happy.

“A field of water betrays the spirit that is in the air. It is continually receiving new life and motion from above. It is intermediate between land and sky”

I used this time of being alone to begin analyzing my life. I began spending more and more time at my favorite place to get away, the James River. I would run a few miles (by myself), then lie on the rocks and stare at the sky. I would think to myself what it would be like to find someone who was just like me. Someone who would happily share in my joy of solitariness yet would also be there when I needed to not be alone. My quiet reflective time on the river was great, until the day I almost drowned there. My near drowning experience was a wake up call to both the life that I was longing for, and to the way that I was throwing away my life.
I analyzed my career. I also pondered my education. I realized that the time for trying to fit in was over. I ignored the little voice of low self esteem and began the journey back to my confident inner forest. I started to tune out negativity and I focused on living. I quit trying to fit in. I stopped all of the useless vices that I had picked when I was trying to be social. I enrolled in junior college, and began to seek out promotion at work. Along the way I met my true love who happened to be the perfect match I was seeking. That was about eight years ago when this return pilgrimage began.

“It is not worth the while to go round the world to count the cats in Zanzibar.”

Three years ago my agonizing journey had finally come to an end. My days of traveling through the world of trying to be something I wasn’t, were over. I had returned to my forest. Once I had returned to this place, I got promoted, married, became an “A” student, a rather assertive leader, and am quite pleased with spending time alone or with my wife and daughter. This is where I truly am living my life to the fullest. Occasionally my wife manages to pull me out of the house and engage in social activities. For me, being social today is nowhere near as painful as it had been. I know who I am and where I am going. This new sense of confidence allows me to talk and move about more freely in the social world. Still, I can count all of my friends on one finger. Oh, and as for my father, he could not be more proud. You see he was and is a loner like me. I never realized this until I finally put all of that trying to fit in stuff behind me. Today my dad is the first person on a very short list of friends, and he tells me all the time how proud he is of me.

Sublime

For months and months I planned to have a surgery that would remove part of my liver. The removed piece would be given to my mom, who was suffering a fatal liver illness. I attended seminars, discussions, and read all I could read on the subject. As the date drew near, I told myself that I was ready. The night before the surgery I stayed up playing cards and conversing with my mother who was staying in a room next to mine. That was the last time I spoke to or saw her until after the surgery. It was almost 24 hours after the surgery that I walked to my mother's critical care recovery room. I tried to prepare myself for what would be an emotional event. I walked in and could not speak. My mother looked up at me and we both just started crying. I hugged her and held her. I completely lost the awareness of space and time. No moment in my life has ever been that intense.
Billy


I am a fire fighter. I rush into horrible situations when other are running away. I have seen things that will make your skin crawl. I have delivered the message of someones death on more than one occasion. I don't know why people choose to be in the profession that I am in. Maybe it has something to do with coming extremely close to death and destruction and being able to walk away a hero (most of the time).
Billy
Posted by Billy @ U or R at 6:51 PM

What Is an American?

To my good friend, I will attempt to explain to you what it means to be an American. I realize that you only know the face of America from what you have seen on television (what limited information your government filters for your sake). I will tell you of many great attributes, and a few less than great characteristics that come with being an American.

You see, unlike your country and its ageless history, America is but a newborn in this world. Our country was founded by an amalgamation of peoples seeking freedom from tyranny, servitude, and injustice. America won its independence from the European feudal system, and flourished with individual land owners who were not forced to serve some wealthy nobility. Each man had the opportunity to be his own master. Life was great here in the beginning, as long as you were not an African slave, or a woman. Successful white men who practiced the correct denomination of Christianity could live a very free life indeed.

Slavery was one of America’s guilty pleasures. You see my friend; we traded one form of servitude for another. However, slavery did not last forever. Our country even fought a bloody civil war partially attributed to ending slavery. Slavery’s end was in no way the end of unequal rights. On the contrary, it was just the beginning. African Americans had a long and unfair struggle to win their rights in the great Land of the Free. Truly it was only in recent times that a Black man truly had any rights. Once you have lived here in America long enough you too will have your chance to earn these rights through citizenship.

Women of this country today have the same rights and freedom as American men. This was not always the case. Women did not begin to obtain their equal rights until the early part of the twentieth century. These rights were languishing at best until about the nineteen sixties. After the sexual revolution, as it was called, women began take on more traditional male roles. They became more than mere house wives. Women became leaders, fighters, and CEOs. Today theoretically women have just as much rights, and freedom as any man.

But, the ugly truth still is that inequality still exists not only for women but for non-white minorities as well. Even though America elected its first minority President, racial and gender inequality may never fully disappear from this country. Please do not take it personally if people treat you different. Your skin color, accent, and features may cause some people to turn away from you and offer little hospitality.

Our country was founded by a people seeking religious freedom. This idea of freedom of religion sounded as if our country would be tolerant of any religion. In the beginning this was not the case. Christianity was the predominant religion, as it was in the old country. Christianity had and still does have many different sects. Many sects of Christianity were not favored in early America. Catholicism and Orthodoxy were two examples of sects that were not so popular in early America. Even the more common protestant sects, despite their similarities, often had violent confrontations. Today however, religious freedom has moved closer to religious tolerance. America is still predominantly Christian in its outlook, so don’t be surprised if your non Christian faith is viewed with skeptical eyes.

All of this being said, both good and bad, I still wish to tell you more about being an American. We live in a land where we do not live in fear of our government. There are no dictators or tyrants. Our President and our senate are comprised of elected officials chosen to represent the people. Every person over the age of eighteen has the right to vote on these and other elected officials. In America you can vote without fear of being killed for your choices. Although America has many laws, we still maintain our freedom by limiting the control that our government has over us. You may even have the opportunity to vote on some of these laws at the local level. Our Constitution and government are far from perfect. However, we at least have the ability to participate in how our government interprets and acts on our Constitution which is a freedom not to be taken lightly.

In summary, my good friend you will find that America has its flaws, as well as its attempts at perfection. My advice to you is to come here with an open mind. Be ready to face some hardships, prejudices, and foiled perceptions. But, as you become accustom to our practices and our occasional prideful re-interpretation of history, you may just find your own idea of what it means to be an American. I look forward to seeing you soon.

Sincerely,
Your dear friend Billy W
Posted by Billy @ U or R at 11:36 AM 1 comments